Here and Now (Happy Birthday)

by Brenna

Dear Katherine,

Today is your eighth birthday. Today is usually the day when I write about how I miss you and how I’ve dealt with losing you. But that just doesn’t seem right today. I don’t want to mourn your loss anymore; I want to live as if everything you are was and is a blessing. It is.

I just want you to know that I’m okay. I feel closure. I still feel sad when I think about how I lost you, but I’m doing so much better than before. Finally, the pang in my heart doesn’t run as deep. The fabricated memories aren’t as tragic. The real memories aren’t as fuzzy anymore because I’m not so confused about them. You were here, now you’re not. I see that now, and I see that that’s okay. I’m not the only one who’s ever suffered loss like this. People get through tragedies every day. I’m one of those people. I won’t collapse under longing. Losing you, as horrible as it was, made me stronger. And I will forever be grateful for that.

When I lost you, I was such a weak and confused little girl. I had been so blessed and spoiled that I didn’t know what it was like to hurt. That’s how an eight-year-old should live. But since then, I’ve been given beyond belief and imagination.

I want you to know that I’m alive. I’m not just surviving: I’m alive. I don’t shut out the pain anymore–like I had ever since I lost you. I’ve accepted it now, I’m healing, and I’m moving on. I’m taking huge steps to deal with all that’s happened in my life. I refuse to be a failure story. I’ll be a success, I’ll be an inspiration, and I’ll carry you through it all in my heart.

I want you to know that I’ve moved on. I don’t cling to the past anymore. I don’t live on my memories. I don’t flush away my feelings with food and things that make me reminisce. I live in and long for the future. I’m excited to see what’s in store for me now.

I want you to know that I’ve branched out. I’m not as closed up as I had been ever since I lost you. I’m still an introvert, but I let people in. I invite people in. I seek people out and try to make friends. It’s so hard for me, and I don’t think everyone really realizes that, but that’s okay because I know I’m trying. I’m living inside the world.

I want you to know that I’m trying. I won’t give up. I won’t stay down forever. I’ll fall, for sure. But I’ll get back every. single. time. because it’s worth it. If I can get over losing the one thing I’ve ever wanted, I can get over anything.

I want you to know that I wish I could share every moment of this with you. I wish I could live with you and watch you grow and hold you and play with you. I wish I had that special sort of best friend that every girl wants. The one that will never leave their side, no matter how horrible circumstances become or how messed up she gets. All the time, I think about what I’d do if you were here. But…then I remember that you’re not, and that that’s okay, because I’m living life to its fullest exactly how it is.

I want you to know that I’ll never forget you, I’ll always miss you, and I’ll always love you. I wish I had you in this life, but I’ll spend eternity with you in the next, and that’s beyond anything I could ever hope for in the present.

I wish I was telling you stories right now about the night you were born. I wish we were planning your eighth birthday party. I wish I was making you cupcakes and hiding your presents from you. I wish I was doing your hair and dressing you up in your favorite outfit. But I’m not. And that’s okay.

In this world or not, you’ll always be my little sister.

Love,
Brenna